Don't hate me
by Chaotic91
Summary: I wrote this while I was on break a while ago. Dean takes advantage of a very drunk Castiel. Kind of dark in the beginning. rapefic
1. Chapter 1

He was really drunk, and Dean knew that.

He was _really _naive, and Dean knew that.

He was _**really**_ vulnerable, Dean knew that.

Dean knew he should stop Castiel from kissing him, and he should not be kissing him back. He shouldn't pin him against the wall and grind their clothed bodies together, as he tongue dominated Castiel mouth. He should back away from him and tell Castiel to go to bed, not back him into the room and close the door behind them.

Dean knew he was taking advantage of him, while he unbuckled the man's belt. He knew what kind of person this made him as he undressed the slightly shorter man before pushing him on the bed. Dean knew all of this was wrong but the problem was that, in this moment, he didn't care. He wanted to feel something. He was desperate to shake this lifelessness, he just wanted a few moments of bliss anywhere he could get it. He didn't mean for it to be Castiel. When he ran into him at the bar he was already wasted, and when they left together Cas kissed him. It was just a peck on the lips, but Dean turned it into so much more.

Dean removed his own clothes before climbing on top of the other. Their skin touching felt amazing. Castiel moaned, his drunken state was making it impossible for him to concentrate. Dean pressed his mouth against his, forcing Cas' lips apart with his tongue. Both erections were trapped between their stomachs, and Dean felt electricity shoot through his body every time he would thrust his hip down. Castiel was making sweet noises into Dean's mouth, his own hips began to match Dean's.

Not ready for this to end with humping, Dean sat up on his knees. Cas whined at the loss of contact, his half lidded eyes trying to focus. His lips were swollen and red. Dean wanted to devour them all over again, but he didn't. He ran his hands down Castiel's body.

He let one of his thumbs rub over a perked nipple. Castiel shivered, his eyes closed now. "Cassie…" Dean's voice was deep and thick with need "Don't go to sleep yet, we are just getting started." Castiel slowly opened his eyes "…Dean…?" He sounded confused and filled with arousal, which Dean knew Castiel barely understood "What is…?" Dean leaned down silencing him with a quick kiss. "It's alright, I got you." Dean straightened back up, his hand sliding down Cas' slim hips. Castiel's eyes were still half opened, but he was no longer trying to talk.

Dean's hands were now on a pair of creamy, lean thighs which were laying over Dean's own thighs. He hooked a hand under each knee and pulled them as far apart as he could, Castiel's dick was twitching and lost some of its hardness. He was about to fix that. "Hey Cassie, can you do me a favor?" It took the ex-angel a moment to process the question, but he eventually nodded. "I need you to keep your legs like this, can you do that baby?" Again, another pause followed by a nod. Dean let go, and made sure he really understood. Cas' legs swayed a little, but mostly stayed where Dean had instructed.

Castiel's surprised moan filled the room as Dean took his erection into his mouth. Two hands dug into Dean's scalp. Castiel's hips were held to the bed, so he wouldn't be choked, and slowly bobbed his head. Castiel's voice was beautiful. He grunted, groaned, and moaned. I sounded like the most wonderful song Dean ever heard. Dean's right hand released Castiel, and traveled up his body until he could feel those soft lips. Cas was panting so Dean easily slid two fingers into his mouth. He forcefully rubbed his fingers against Cas' tongue. Not understanding what was happening, the former angel tried to pull the intruding object out of his mouth but Dean was stronger. The hunter swirled his fingers around in his lover's mouth, almost gagging the poor man. When he was sure they were completely covered in saliva, he pulled them back. Cas coughed.

He heard the hiss of discomfort when Dean pushed a finger inside him. He tried to distract Cas with his mouth, but Dean wasn't exactly an expert on giving blow jobs. He decided to try what he liked. It seemed to have worked by the mewls Cas was making. He barely seemed to notice the second finger entering him, and only groaned loudly when Dean began to stretch him. Cas cried out when Dean hit rubbed that sweet spot inside him. He pressed down, trying to recreate the action, but Dean's free hand stopped him.

He released the other man's erection, making a 'popping' sound and Castiel cried out "No…I…uh" He groaned out of frustration, not knowing where he was, much less what it was he wanted. He rubbed his dick and Dean swatted his hand away. "Not yet Castiel, soon." Castiel let both his hands fall on his chest. His legs were shaking, so Dean rested them on his shoulders. He scooted closer to his drunken ex-angel until he was lined up with Cas' ass.

"Hey Cas'…" Dean's voice sounded weak. Castiel looked up to the man who was now lying over him. His body relaxed when he recognized the Demon killer "Dean…?" He smiled, his eyes glazing over. "I'm sorry…" Dean whispered sadly and thrust his hips forward, burying himself all the way inside the drunken man. Castiel's eyes flew open as he screamed in pain. He tried to fight Dean off, but Dean held him down. "Just relax Cas' please, it will make this easier." Dean ground out, trying his best to keep still while Castiel adjusted.

**Cas' P.O.V.**

The world was spinning for the abandoned archangel. He was too intoxicated to focus very long. There were noises and a lot of pain. "Shhh, don't move Cas' just breathe." Dean's voice calmed him, where was he? He felt a fullness in between his legs. He tried to close them, but something large and warm blocked him. His whole body was tingling, like little shocks. "I'm going to move now, okay baby?" That was Dean again, was he talking to him? He tried to reach towards his voice, but his hands were pinned above his head. Suddenly he felt empty, it was...unsatisfying.

Oh, the fullness was back again, it stung but not like before. He heard more odd noises above him as the feeling of empty and full continued. "…God Cas' you're tight." Dean voice sounded rough. Something was pressed against his lips, it was warm and wet. It forced its way inside him. Electricity shot up his spine, when the fullness came back. He wanted it to happen again, so he pushed his hips up as the feeling returned. A moan filled his ears. It sounded like him? He didn't get to think about it for long before his mouth was under attack again. Someone set him on fire he panicked, he was so hot and his stomach hurt. He heard another groan, the something on his lips, was now attached to his neck. He was gasping and he couldn't stop his lower body from moving. His hands were still pinned above him and his thighs were being rubbed against by something firm and warm, it was moving faster now. Between his legs, where the fullness was coming from, was wet and loud. He tried to open his eyes again, but his lids wouldn't cooperate.

All at once everything stopped. The fullness was gone, and he was cold. Was that him whining? He was being moved roughly. The mattress pressed into his face and something soft was placed under his hips. He could feel hands on his lower back as he was pulled on to his knees.

The fullness was back, but it went deeper than before. His back was covered with a heavy warmth. "…You feel so good…" Dean was moaning. It was becoming sharp and rough, and hands were gripping his hips, forcing him to match each thrust.

More surges of electricity up his spine. His stomach was starting to hurt again and his hands were reaching underneath him. He was holding himself, and he was hard and wet. His hands worked his dick, as more grunts came from above him.

Pressure.

It hurt and felt amazing at the same time. He was shaking so much that he thought it was an earthquake at first. "…Ah….Cas I am...Shit… gonna cum soon." He was being thrust into the mattress.

He felt hot again and thirsty, his mouth was so dry. He was sure those moans were coming from his mouth. He felt like he needed something to happen, the pressure in his stomach was unbearable. His hands were moving faster now.

"Come on baby, cum for me." Dean's voice whispered into his ear before kissing and licking it. His body seized up, as he screamed and he saw white. For a moment he thought that he was back in Heaven.

"Oh…fuck!" Dean's voice sounded strained. A hand was in his hair, pressing his face back into the mattress. Everything was fading away again as a numbness took over. He could still hear the grunts and groans above him. His body was being shaken violently for a few moments longer, then everything went still. There was something warm sliding down his leg as the fullness disappeared. It didn't come back this time. It was so quiet...

* * *

Dean pulled out of Castiel and moved away. He sat at the end of the bed. Cas was still breathing hard when Dean finally turned to look at him. He was going to have bruises, and pain, everywhere. The older Winchester walked to the bathroom. He came back with a damp washcloth. He spent the next 30 minutes cleaning Castiel body.

When he was finished, Dean put a blanket over Castiel. He leaned forward and kissed the, now human on the forehead.

"Don't hate me..." He whispered. He could feel the guilt starting to weigh him down. What had he done?


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note:

Just so you know, I am not good at following the actual story line…It is the reason I love AU so much. So this story will not really follow, but sometimes follow, the story line. It will vary guys…I am pretty sure it isn't with the story line though. Too many Supernatural episodes to remember everything, and when it happened. X.x

I don't own anything…

Yada yada…

Enjoy

Oh…

I am going to try an update faster. Let me know what you think? I am always opened to feedback or corrections. (First time not writing in a complete AU, only a slight one. So feel free to help me.)

Thanks for all the reviews so far, and the follows/favorites, you guys rock.

Again…Enjoy

~Bye~

* * *

The first thing Castiel noticed when he was being pulled back to consciousness was how much he hurt. The second thing was the fact that there was a very naked person lying on him. Well, half way on him. One of Castiel's thighs was pinned under this person's stomach, the man's hip in his groin. The person had his head resting on his shoulder. Castiel noted that he was also very naked. He was uncomfortable, his leg was numb and his lower body protested with every move, not to mention the headache from the alcohol. He tried to push the man off of him, but he was heavy. When his face shifted Castiel gasped.

"Dean?"

_Grunting._

"…_God Cas' you're tight."_

Memories flooded into Cas' brain.

_**A moan.**_

_**"…You feel so good…"**_

Castiel struggled more fiercely as the memories became louder. "G-get off…" he whispered.

Dean started to wake up. His hips shifted against Castiel's groin.

_**An earthquake**_

_**"…Ah….Cas I am...Shit… gonna cum soon."**_

He winced at the pain and the memory. With strength Castiel didn't know he still possessed he shoved Dean off the side of the bed "Get. OFF!" He screamed.

As soon a Dean hit the floor, he was jumping to his feet in a panic. When his eyes landed on Castiel's curled up form he stopped.

"Cas…?" Dean whispered warily.

_**Whispers**_

_**"Come on baby, cum for me."**_

"Shut up." Castiel stated firmly. He gripped his head and curled in on himself more. Dean took a few steps back. "Ca-Cas, I'm sorry…It just kind of…I"

"**Hey Cas…"**

"**Dean…?"**

"**I'm sorry…"**

_**Pain**_

"SHUT UP!" Castiel screamed, Dean jumped, as he watched Cas stand and try to walk away from the bed. He only got a few steps before pain shot up his back and his legs shook. He grabbed the edge of the bed to steady himself.

"Jesus Cas, don't do that…" Dean reached for him. Castiel shot him a look that made Dean jerked back like he was burnt. "Just…Just relax Cas."

_**"Just relax Cas please, it will make this easier."**_

Cas didn't like this feeling, it was a bad feeling. He tried to walking again, it hurt but he did it. "Castiel…" Dean reached for him again "Just let me help you…"

Dean never saw the punch coming, he had stepped next to his best friend and placed a hand on his side. The next thing he knew, he was on the floor watching Castiel stumble into the bathroom.

He slid down against the door, pulling his legs into his chest. Cas was trying to process what happened, it was overwhelming. His noticed his thighs and behind were sticky, it had happened when he stood up something like water leaked out of him. It made his stomach turn when he thought of what it probably was. He stood up, very slowly, and walked to the bathroom mirror. He couldn't stop a sob when he saw himself. He had bruises already forming on his hips, they looked like finger prints. His neck had a dark brown bruise as well. Did Dean bite him, why?

He quickly turned to the shower, turning it on, and ignored the knocking at the door. "Castiel, please just…let me explain?"

"Leave me alone." His voice was low, but clear.

"No, not until you let me talk."

"Talk!?" Castiel growled, his head was pounding and he felt nauseous. Probably the alcohol, but Castiel didn't really understand "Now you want to talk!?" Cas swung the door open "_Look at me!_" Dean's eyes were glassed over, and regret was clear on his face, but it didn't take away from these dark feeling Castiel had. "It doesn't seem like you wanted to talk about it last night! You…" Castiel couldn't say it. "What did you do...?" He whispered out, his emotions laced through his words.

"I didn't mean to hurt you Cas, I just…" Dean had no idea what to say. "We had sex…"

Castiel could piece that much together. "…I was drunk, you knew that?" He was trying to keep his voice even, but it was hard. Castiel's chest burned and his hands were itching to move. He wanted to hurt the man in front of him, he could feel it bubbling up from his gut and traveling through his whole body like a fire. He felt betrayed.

"…Yeah, but you acted like you were okay with it." He wished he could take the words back as soon as they left his mouth. It was the stupidest thing he could have said and he should have expected the angry shove to the floor. Castiel was straddling his hips and punching him in seconds.

Dean tried to grab Cas' wrist, but he would find a way out of his grip every time.

"What the hell!?" Sam ran in when he heard Dean's yells at Cas to calm down. He grabbed the dark haired man by the shoulders and pulled him off Dean.

"Screw you!" Cas cried, pulled out of Sam's grip, and stormed into the bathroom.

He ignored Dean pounding on the door and got in the shower. He let the hot water run over him as he silently broke down.

He remembered running into the man last night, he remembered being happy about it. He was depressed about no longer being an angel and decided to drown his misery the way other humans did. It wasn't until after a bottle and a half of something called tequila that he realized he might have had a bit too much. Castiel doesn't remember exactly when Dean showed up, but he does know he had a few more shots with him.

"_You miss being angel Cas?"Dean asked "I would miss being an angel."_

_Castiel grinned wide "I do, but I have to have faith…that…I can't remember…" Cas laughed, taking another shot._

"_Fuck faith. Fuck God. Fuck Lucifer and Michael." Dean stated coldly. "Fuck all this bullshit."_

_The next thing Castiel remembered was standing by the street, with Dean._

"_You go back to the house, the cab is going to take you there…" Dean pointed to the taxi that Castiel was using to stand._

"_You're not coming?" Cas asked._

"_I'll be back later…" Dean smiled "I have plans." _

Castiel couldn't remember anything else until he was in bed with Dean. He scrubbed at his body for a solid five minutes before getting out. His hips still hurt, but if he moved slowly it wasn't as bad. There was more knocking.

"Why won't you go away!?"

"What did I do?" Sam's voice was not the one he was expecting.

"…Is your brother still there?"

"No, he stormed out of here a few minutes ago." Sam paused. "Without a shirt…?" He sounded really confused. "What's going on?" Sam gasped when Castiel pulled the door open. He could see the hickey on his neck and the bruising on his hips. "What happened to you?"

"Your brother…I should get dressed." Castiel still didn't want to say it because that would make it too real. Dean wouldn't have actually done something like that, it was Dean…His best friend.

Sam watched Castiel walk to the bed, which was unmade, and pick up his clothes slowly. Sam's eyes landed on a shirt that his brother was wearing yesterday.

"…Cas?" His voice held suspicion. Castiel beating the shit out of Dean, Dean storming out, the unmade bed, clothes everywhere, and an upset and bruised former angel…He wasn't liking the picture forming in his head. Castiel ignored him, slipping his pants on with a wince.

"Castiel?" He spoke louder.

Cas kept his back to him "…What?"

"Did you and Dean…I mean, did you guys…" Sam really had no idea how to ask this. Castiel seemed to have gotten it though.

"It would seem that way, but you'd have to…"

The younger Winchester quickly walked to Castiel when the man let out a sob while finishing "…ask your brother for the details…"

"Are-are you okay?" Sam tried to place his hand on Cas' shoulder but pulled away when he flinched. "What happened?"

"…I don't know." Castiel rubbed his eyes "Your brother…" He looked at Sam, who looked worried.

"…My brother, what?"

He couldn't look the younger Winchester in the face.

A bad feeling settled itself in Sam's gut "…He didn't…?"

Castiel turned away to hide his face better and slip his shirt on, but ended up sitting on the bed to bury his face in his hands. His hair was soaked, as was the rest of him, and water was pooling around his feet but he didn't care.

"…Shit." Sam hesitantly sat beside him.

"Why would he do that?" Castiel whispered, his head still in his palms.

Sam wasn't sure what to say, but he did know he was going to kick Dean's ass, or at least find out what the hell happened. It wasn't making much sense at the moment. He was pretty sure his brother had a crush on him for a while. He had a feeling Castiel would want answers as well, because when the man looked up to him his face was twisted in confusion and hurt.

"I was taught to forgive Sam, but thinking of doing that makes me angry…Why?"

"…Humans are not angels Castiel" Sammy offered

He looked at the taller man for a moment "…No, they are not." Castiel affirmed with a frown.

* * *

"I can fix this…" Dean punched his steering wheel after a moment. "How!?" He rubbed his jaw. Man, Castiel could punch.

He had no valid excuse for what he had done. Sure, he was drinking but he could still control himself. The truth was, he enjoyed it. Not hurting Castiel, never, but having him close like that. It was the happiest he'd been in a long time, and the best sleep he'd gotten in years. Until he was thrown in the floor…

He wasn't expecting Cas to react so strongly. Actually, he didn't know what he expected. Dean laughed at himself, but it was with little amusement. Did he actually think Castiel would be accepting of the fact that Dean basically raped him?

"…Shit." Dean parked at a gas station and beat his head against the wheel lightly. That was the first time he had admitted it was rape. It was, wasn't it? "It didn't feel like that last night…" He mumbled to himself. He had loved Castiel for a while now. Like, crazy, stupid loved him. It was probably one of the reasons Dean lost his control, but that still wasn't an excuse.

He couldn't hide out here forever. There was work that needed to be done, and he needed Castiel for that. He had also left his brother behind…He couldn't run from this, not that he really wanted to. Dean got out of the car, then remembered he didn't have a shirt. He rolled his eyes and popped the trunk, pulling on one of Sam's.

He was going grab some breakfast and ibuprofen, for the headache he was sure Cas had, and then go back to the furious man. He would find a way to make everything right, he always did.

Right?


	3. Chapter 3

Alright guys!

Turned out that this has nothing to do with the actual story line what so ever.

I finished this in 6 chapters it seems. I had two options on how I wanted it to end, but I thought this the best.

Nothing has really changed in this chapter, if you read it. I will tell you which chapter has changed when you get to it. If you haven't read this before at all, then enjoy.

* * *

Dean walked into the place just in time to see Sam walking out of the bedroom, eyes locked on him with a frown on his face.

"Fix it." Sam said when he reached Dean.

"...What do you mean-"

Sam put a hand up to silence Dean. "Just shut up, and fix it." He stepped close to Dean threateningly. "I don't know the details, but it looks pretty bad from what I have pieced together?"

Dean let his eyes fall to the floor, he hated being shamed by his brother but he also knew when to accept that he deserved it; Dean nodded his head. "Pretty bad, yeah..."

"Seriously!?" Sam was hoping it was all a misunderstanding. "What the hell Dean!?"

"Don't you think I feel bad enough!?" He shot back. "It just happened, I didn't mean for it to go that far in the beginning!"

"Oh, I don't want your fucking excuses!" Sam shoved him against the wall, his hand planted firmly on Dean's chest. "You better fix this and quick." He was dead serious as he glared into Dean's eyes.

"What do you think I am trying to do...?" Dean glared back.

Sam eventually backed away, disappointment clear on his face. "I don't know what you are trying to do anymore..." He said, walking out of the front door without another word. Dean stared after him for a moment, he almost preferred Sam to punch him.

He looked at the bedroom door and took a deep breath before walking to it.

"...Cas?" Dean said softly, knocking. "Can I come in?" When he got no response, he slowly pushed the door open. "Castiel?" He called again, looking around the room. He found him sitting on the edge of the bed, holding his head. "...Hey...I uh, got you some drugs for you." Dean tried to start a conversation. "I figured you'd be pretty hungover, I am sure you drank your weight in alcohol last night."

Cas didn't even look up at him. Thi made Dean frowned and rubbed the back of his neck, sitting the bag of food and ibuprofen on the floor next to the other man's feet. "I-it will help with any..._other_ pain too..."

The silence was killing him. "Would you just start screaming at me or something already?"

Castiel let his hands fall into his lap, sniffling he raised his head slightly. "What is there left to 'scream' about?" He sounded tired, and Dean could tell he had been crying by how red his eyes were.

"...Fuck, Cas, I never meant to hurt you. You have to believe me." He reached out to cup Castiel's face but the other quickly stood and moved away.

"I have to get dressed, and we need to get on the road soon so could you..." Cas motioned at the door. Dean took the hint and walked into the hallway, he turned to apologize again but the door shut in his face.

This was going to be a fun road trip...

It was so quiet.

And it was so awkward...

Sam rolled down is window just to get a little separation from the car. Castiel hadn't said a word from the back seat, and Dean was tensed up. Sam scoffed, his brother was probably trying to think of something to say to Castiel but he was never good with words. He thought about turning the radio on, but didn't want to somehow to be the one to cause the very large bomb to go off.

Castiel and Dean's eyes met in the rearview mirror a few times, but Cas only glared and looked away.

Sam had enough, this had been going on for over an hour now. He cleared his throat "...So, where are we going again?"

Dean glanced at him, as if realizing Sam was still in the car for the first time. "There is a town where a number of kids have disappeared..." He continued to tell Sam of how all the kids disappeared around the same time every night, with no explanation. Castiel was listening, but didn't show it. Dean's voice made him angry he noticed. He could see bruises forming on the older winchester's face, from where he had punched him.

Good.

"Any input Cas?" Sam asked, dragging him out of his wonderful thoughts of roasting Dean over a fire and offering him as a sacrifice. It made him feel better? Human emotions were disturbing...

"It is most likely a demon, we could set a trap for him..." Castiel looked at the back of Dean's head. "I am sure Dean would make the perfect bait."

"...It wants children Castiel." Dean corrected.

"Exactly my point." Cas said evenly and looked back at Sam, who was trying not to smile because he knew Cas was seriously pissed. Dean frowned, but kept his mouth closed.

Sam could only turn back around in his seat, and continue to stare at the window.

Uncomfortable didn't even begin to describe the rest of the trip.

"Well, that was interesting..." Sam stumbled into the motel room and groaned.

"Who knew it would be that fucking difficult to kill one demon..." Dean shuffled in behind him.

"I was talking more about you and Castiel..."Sam said, falling on the bed with a sigh of relief. "Where is he anyways?"

Dean shrugged. "Hell if I know...I can't even get him to look at me." Castiel disappeared after the demon was killed, without so much as a word. It was a pretty good trick, with him being human and all.

"Well, what did you expect?" Sam's eyes were closed but he was listening. "After what you did, normal people would go to jail."

"...You believe i didn't want to hurt him, right?" Dean's voice sounded so small. He sat down at the edge of Sam's chosen bed.

"It really doesn't matter what you intended Dean, but if I believed you did...what you did...on purpose I would've already kicked your ass." Sam opened his eyes to stare at his brother. "It comes down to, you **did **hurt him."

"How do I fix it, when he won't even give me a chance?" Dean growled out, frustrastion taking over.

"You have to give him time dude..."

"I just want him to forgive me, I don't want to wait around and hope he sees I am not a piece of shit!" Dean punched the bed, he was a man of action and he really didn't like Cas hating him.

"You fucked up man, you can't expect him to forgive you just like that? No, you are going to have to hope Cas will give you another chance." Sam patted his shoulder.

"...I love him." Dean whispered, pain in his voice. "I only wanted to show him that...I..." Sam sighed and sat up.

"Did you tell him that?" When Dean shook his head Sam continued. "Well maybe you should, he needs to hear something from your heart...It could be the only thing that saves you."

Dean didn't trust his voice, he was too upset right now, so he nodded. When a punch landed on his upper arm, it was so hard it knocked him to the floor, he let out a yell.

"Ow! The fuck did you do that for!?" He glared at Sam and gritted his teeth, rubbing his arm.

"It is the least you deserve, now go find Castiel and let me get some sleep." Sam laid down and rolled away from Dean.

"...Bitch." Dean couldn't help but smile, even if he wasn't feeling very happy, that fucking hurt.

"Jerk." Dean heard his brother say as he shut the motel door. He wrapped his arms around himself, blocking out the cool night breeze. He needed to find Castiel and take another shot at making this right. So he was down to admitting his feelings, great. He sucked with true emotions, and even more with saying them out loud.

"Here goes...everything." He uncrossed his arms and got into his car to drive around town, hoping to run into Castiel.

He shouldn't drink, he knew that, it is what got him in trouble in the first place but he after ending up at the local bar three times, he gave in. Castiel was on his fifth drink when he saw Dean walk in. He didn't try to hide the frown when the two made eye contact, but eventually put on a fake smile, when Dean came up next to him.

"If you give me about another hour, I will be just the way you like me and we can go for round two?" His smile faded into an angry scowl by the time he finished the sentence.

"...You know I don't want that..." Dean sat down next to him, turning down the bartender when she asked what he would like to drink.

"Oh come on, you wanted it yesterday so why not tonight?" Cas downed the rest of his drink. "Or am I only good for one go?"

"...I think you've had enough." Dean stopped him from calling the bartender over.

"Ugh, your voice is so...grating." Cas shot him a look. "Fine, if you don't want me maybe one of these other humans will be willing to-"

"I said enough!" Dean slammed his fist on the bar, not liking the way Castiel was talking about himself or the possibility of someone putting their hands on him.

"Or you'll what!?" Cas shouted back, getting the attention of some of the other customers. "Are you going to beat me up this time as well!?"

"No, but I will drag your ass out of here!" Dean stood up, and Castiel followed.

"Figures you'd want me alone, makes it a lot easier doesn't it?" Cas stepped into his personal space, and whispered in his ear. "Why don't you invite a friend, I might need to be held down this time."

"Guys, either calm down or take it outside." The two barely acknowledged the bartender. Dean's jaw was clenched and Castiel knuckles were white from how hard he squeezed them together.

Dean relaxed first, closing his eyes, this isn't why he came here. "I don't know how many times you want me to say I'm sorry, so I will just keep saying it..." Dean swallowed the lump in his throat and opened his eyes to look at Castiel, he let his mask fall away and his emotions played freely on his face. "I know it doesn't make it right...I just...I have loved you for so long Castiel, and when you kissed me that night..." He rubbed his eyes quickly, letting his gaze fall to the floor. "I only wanted to show...I..." Dean stopped and shook his head, he couldn't think of a good enough way to express what he felt. "I...just wanted to forget everything and everyone, except for you..." He finished and continued his staring contest with the floor.

Castiel didn't say anything, but he seemed to relax and his glare softened. "You...love me?" He asked after a moment. Dean nodded.

"Yeah, like it is almost scary..." Dean softly admitted then backed away. "Well, that is what I wanted to tell you...I am going to the car now, if you want a ride...I'll be waiting, for however long you need me to."

Castiel still didn't say anything, he couldn't, his emotions were too confusing and he couldn't decide what he felt more. He watched Dean slowly walk away and disappear through the door before falling back into his seat.

"What can I get you?" The bartender came over after a moment and asked with hesitation.

"I have no idea..." Cas admitted, obviously not talking only about the drink, and hid his face in his hands. "I have no fucking idea..."


	4. Chapter 4

It had been nearly a week since Dean admitted his feelings to Castiel, and nothing had really changed. It hadn't gotten worse between the two, but it sure hasn't gotten better. Cas spent most his time alone, or talking to Sam. He rarely spoke to Dean unless he had to, and it was usually to the point. The older Winchester was completely wrecked about it, even Sam couldn't seem to cheer him up.

It had been unusally quiet the last few days, so Sam decided he'd enjoy a night out away from the tension he felt between the other two. He was surprised when Castiel asked to come along, the two were never that close, but he agreed; he was hoping to take this chance to talk to him about Dean.

Neither noticed Dean's jealous glare as they walked out the door.

"What are we doing here...?" Castiel asked, staring at the colored golf balls curiously.

"I thought we'd play some mini golf, that a problem?" Sam asked, picking up two clubs and holding one out to Cas.

"No, I just thought we would go to a bar..." Cas admitted, taking the offered stick.

"You know Castiel, not everything has to end up at a bar..." Sam clarified, not sure if the former angel really thought that is what adult humans did.

"It seems to with Dean..." Cas followed Sam to the first hole.

"That's just Dean..." Sam quickly made his shot, missing the hole the first try but making it on the second. "It is his way of dealing with...everything." It wasn't the healthiest way, but it wasn't like Sam could blame him with all the shit they go through. Castiel copied Sam, but swung too hard; the ball went flying into the parking lot.

"...That was not my intent." Castiel said with such seriousness that Sam laughed.

"Here, let me show you..." He grabbed Cas' arm, planning on showing him how to hold the club, but Castiel flinched and quickly pulled away.

"What are you doing?" He looked fearful, or anxious. Sam raised his hands slightly.

"Easy Cas...I was just going to show you how to swing."

"...Forgive me." Castiel looked at the ground in shame. "I didn't mean to question your intentions, I just..." He looked at a loss for words, and very confused. "I have been troubled lately."

"...Is it because of Dean?" Sam dared to ask, and Cas nodded after a moment.

"I want to forgive him but everytime I see his face, I become angry all over again." Castiel rubbed his eyes, his exhaustion showing.

Sam felt like an idiot, he should have asked Castiel how he was ages ago...Of course he would be having trouble, he was raped. He hated to think that his brother was to blame, but you couldn't change the facts. Dean had fucked up big this time. It is only natural Castiel would be hurting because of this, Dean was the first person he ever attached himself to; he was someone he should have been able to trust, but Dean shattered that. He couldn't understand his own emotions on top of that, and here Sam was trying to avoid the whole situation like an ass. Cas needed someone to talk to, and he didn't have a lot of options at the moment.

"Come here..." Sam walked over to a nearby bench and sat down, the game forgotten, Cas did the same.

"What is it...?"

"Listen, what you are feeling is perfectly normal." Sam stated. "It's okay that you're mad at Dean and it is okay that you're confused." Castiel's eyes began to look misty while Sam was speaking. "Dean did something...that is really hard to forgive, he broke your trust and violated your friendship."

"...He apologized plenty of times though, and I can see he means it, so why can't I...just...?" Cas' voice sounded strained as he let his head fall into his hands for the millionth time in the last week.

"Trust is one of the hardest things to fix..." Sam tried his best to comfort, nudging him gently with his shoulder; he wasn't sure if touching was okay or not, so he didn't want to push it. He didn't expect Castiel to lean against him so heavily, too heavily. "Castiel...?" Sam tilted forward to try and get a glimpse of his face just as Castiel began to fall off the bench. "Shit, Cas, are you okay!?" Sam said with an alarming tone, catching the other before he hit the ground.

"I...can't keep my eyes open..." Castiel said weakly.

"When was the last time you slept?" Sam asked, still holding onto him in case he lost is balance.

"For more than a few moments? I can't remember."

"Damn it, you have to sleep now Castiel, you're a human!" He couldn't believe no one had noticed the fact that Cas wasn't sleeping. Come to think of it, he couldn't remember the last time he saw Dean in a bed. "We need to get you back to the motel."

"We just got here...?" Castiel mentioned, allowing Sam to help him stand.

"And now we are leaving, come on."

By the time Sam got back to the motel, Castiel had passed out beside him. The human body could only take so much. He really didn't want to wake him up, afraid he wouldn't go back to sleep, so he parked the car and walked around to the passenger door. Sam gently picked Cas up, struggling to pull him out without hitting his head on the roof. He kicked the door closed with his foot. The slam made him flinch and glance down at Castiel, who curled into him.

The motel door also became a problem, because he realised Dean wasn't inside after he kicked at it for a full minute. After a few fancy manuveurs eventually got inside and carefully placed Castiel on the closest bed before letting out a sigh, sitting on the edge of the mattress.

"That was very elegant, I am impressed." Castiel's words made Sam smile and glare over his shoulder.

"How long have you been awake?"

"I woke up when you started throwing profanity at the door." Castiel let a small smile on his face, his eyes half opened, and looking toward Sam. "I didn't know you used such language."

"I've picked up a few unwanted habits from Dean in my life." Castiel's smile faded at the mention of his brother, and Sam mentally slapped himself.

"When I close my eyes...I hear that night in my mind." Cas said above a whisper. "Sometimes I remember seeing things, blurs and shapes..."

"...Is that why you haven't been sleeping?" Sam watched Cas nod his head, and he gave him a sad look.

Castiel covered his face, his chin trembling. "I don't want to hate him so much..."

"Castiel, you don't hate him." Sam grabbed his wrist, pulling it free from his face, and waited for the teary-eyed man to look at him. "If you hated him, you wouldn't be this upset over hating him..." Sam realized that probably sounded confusing, so he continued in hopes of making it more clear. "The hurt is twice as much, because someone you really care for did something horrible to you."

Castiel gently pulled his wrist free to wipe his eyes. "...Is that what it is?" Castiel had been trying to undertand his emotions, but he just ended up going in circles. He was beginning to believe that all humans were insane. How can they live like this, with such a hazy view point of life...?

"That is what it looks like to me." Sam admitted, he could never be sure that is what Castiel was feeling.

It was still enough of an answer to make Castiel relax, he had been so knotted up over what was going on inside of him. His eyes slide closed with a sigh. "...You know Sam, you are not as annoying as I originally thought." Sam wasn't sure if that was a compliment or not until Castiel mumbled a 'Thank you', before falling asleep.

Dean stumbled in hours later, it woke Sam. He watched his brother trip over himself in the dark, failing at being quiet. He was also obviously drunk by the way he would snicker when he fell, then shush himself. Castiel rolled over on his bed, but didn't wake up. That's when Sam had enough, he sat up and clicked on the lamp.

"Are you trying to be as obnoxious as possible?" He whispered, giving Dean a glare.

"Don't 'bitchface' me!" He yelled.

"Would you shut up!?" Sam whispered in a harsh tone, looking over at Castiel. Dean followed his gaze.

"...He hates me." Dean sounded pathetic, but lowered his voice. Falling heavily on Sam's bed.

"Dean..." Sam pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a tired sigh. He wanted to help his brother, he did, just not at 3 in the morning. "He doesn't hate you."

"I guess you would know..." Dean was so drunk he didn't try to hide the jealousy in his voice. "It looks like you're his new best friend."

"...Yes." Sam's voice was flat, and so was his stare. "We have picnics and talk about our newest crushes behind your back." Sam climbed out of bed, obviously he wasn't going to get anymore sleep until Dean was sated. "He needs someone to talk to, and he can't talk with you."

"Why can't he? I would listen." Dean defended.

"You haven't even been trying to solve this!" Sam raised his voice slightly, pointing at Dean. "You just hide behind your research like a coward, and hope Castiel forgives you."

"Fuck you man!" He stood and shoved Sam slightly. "I have tried! What am I supposed to do, force him to talk to me!?"

Sam stumbled back, then laughed a little, his anger rising. "Then maybe **you** should try talking to him!" Sam shoved him back, but Dean grabbed his arm. He pulled Sam into a head lock. "Dean, let go you...!" He struggled to get free and the two went tumbling on the bed. Sam yank his head free and grabbed his brother's arms, hoping to trap him in a 'hug' until he calmed down but Dean fought him and his elbow ended up connecting with Sam's lip.

Castiel's eyes flew open just in time to see the two crash to the floor, Sam on top of Dean. "What is going on!?" He shouted over the fighting, sitting up and swinging his legs off the edge of the bed to help. Sam was the first to stand, his lip bleeding.

"Fuck this, I am sleeping in the car!" He spat at his brother before turning to Cas. His voice was still rough, but his eyes were not a stern. "If you need me, that's where I'll be." Castiel still had no idea what was going on, but he nodded after a moment.

"What, think I am gonna hurt him?" Dean growled from the floor, trying to catch his breath.

"At this point, I can't answer that!" Sam grabbed a pillow and stormed out of the room, Cas flinched at how hard the door slammed.

"Fucking...bitch." Dean tried to stand up but only managed to pull himself up on the opposite bed from Castiel, who remained quiet, not sure what to say to him. "And you..." Castiel sighed, still too exhausted to deal with any of this. "What the hell do I have to do...?" Dean sounded...sad? It was enough to make Cas look at him finally. "Do you want me to beg?"

"Dean...I-"

"I know, how about you fuck me? That would make it even, right?" Dean nearly sobbed out, standing to pull his shirt off. "You can do it as much as you want, I won't stop you or complain."

"Dean, stop it." Cas warned, knitting his eyebrows together and holding a hand up to the undressing man.

"You don't even have to prepare me, just go for it and-" His voice was desparate.

"Dean!" Castiel glared at him, his voice loud enough to make the man stop unbuttoning his pants.

"Then tell me what to do!" He shouted back, falling back down on the bed with another sob. He stared at Cas, eyes glassed over once again. "I...I can't sleep, or eat...I keep catching myself trying to find you, but then I remember and..." He slide to his knees in front of Castiel, moving between the other's legs. "I want to make this right, just tell me how, I miss you."

Castiel jumped slightly, but didn't try to move away when Dean wrapped his arms around his waist and rested his head on his stomach. "Just tell me what to do..." He repeated. "I'll do anything, please."

He hesitantly put a hand on Dean's back. "I want to forgive you, but I get so upset...I...I don't know..." He really didn't, even in this moment he felt anger pulling at his insides. As much as he wanted to pull Dean on the bed with him, he wanted to shove him away just as much.

"...I'm really fucking sorry...Please stop hating me...I'm sorry" He continued to whisper apologies until he passed out.

Right there.

In Castiel's lap.

"Dean...?" Cas questioned, before noticing his eyes were closed and his breathing had evened out. He didn't know whether to laugh or be annoyed, so he settled on both. When he tried to pull Dean onto the bed, the heavier man slipped from his grasp and fell to the floor. He hit the ground hard, but didn't stir. Castiel decided he either drank a lot, or hadn't been sleeping either. The dark rings around his eyes gave Cas the answer. With a heavy sigh, he put a pillow under Dean's head and threw a blanket over him. He crawled back on his bed and laid on his stomach to look down at Dean.

"I miss you too..."


	5. Chapter 5

MOre was added to this chapter, so start here, near the bottom.

Enjoy.

"Cas...?" Dean's voice echoed through his mind, but not enough to wake him fully. He was still lying on his stomach, one arm dangling off the bed and the other was being used as a pillow for his head. "Hey Cassie?"

"Hm?" He didn't open his eyes, not ready to wake up; this sleeping thing was amazing. The bed shifted, like a good amount of weight had been put on it.

"You awake?" Dean whispered. This time he was closer to him.

"Do you need help...on a case?" Cas yawned out, still holding onto the darkness for a while longer.

He heard Dean laugh a little. "...I'll take that as a 'Almost'? No, I don't need help on a case." When he felt a hand on his back, that was when reality came crashing into him. The memories of that night forcing their way into the front of his mind. The next thing Castiel knew, he was on the otherside of the bed, staring at an equally shocked, and half dressed, Dean; his hand was hovering where Cas was lying moments before.

"...I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." Dean started, then sighed and pulled his hand back to his lap. "I wasn't trying to do anything, I swear."

When Castiel calmed down enough to realize what was going on he spoke. "I...hmn..." He was at a loss, what should he say? This was all so awkward and confusing...He relaxed a little and looked down at his hands, he missed when he could talk to Dean easily. He noticed the sun was up and the nightstand clock said it was seven in the morning.

"Are...Are you hungry?" Dean broke the tension with hesitation. "We can get something at this neat little shop up the street?" The two needed to talk, seriously talk, but Dean didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. He was hoping being in public would make Castiel feel safer. It hurt him to think Cas no longer trusted him, but he couldn't blame that on anyone but himself.

"Alright, just...let me change clothes. Sam said that I shouldn't wear the same outfit constantly, humans don't do that." Catiel stood, and as he disappeared into the bathroom Dean groaned.

"...Oh, crap...Sam." Dean fell back on the bed in exhaustion and shame, remembering his brother and their interaction last night.

_Knock knock knock_

Sam shifted in the backseat and groaned in pain; his arm was numb and his back ached, but he refused to open his eyes.

_knock knock knock_

"...Sammy?"

The voice was muffled through the rolled up window but still loud enough to be understood. With another groan he slowly sat up, and tried to ignore the thousands of invisible needles stabbing at his arm and leg. He looked over to see his brother's obnoxious face, a cup of coffee in his hand. He let out a disgusted sigh and went to lay back down, content on ignoring him.

"Listen, you frickin' dork, I am trying to be nice here by offering you some crap coffee and an even crappier apology." Dean beat on the glass again. "So you can either come out here, or I am gonna climb in there and cuddle with you, and let me tell you how uncomfortable that is going be."

He unlocked the door and climbed out of the back seat with haste, stumbling along the way, as Dean grinned.

"Are you alright?" He asked after a moment, waiting for Sam to pull himself completely out of the car beore handing him the coffee.

"My neck has had better days..." He said and then hissed when the hot liquid stung the cut on his lip.

"So has your face..." Dean said, the guilt evident in his voice. "Did I do that?"

He licked at the wound gently and shrugged.

"Shit...Sam, I'm sorry."

"...What's happening to you?"

Dean looked away, studying the roof of the car for a moment as he thought about how to answer that question. "I don't know.." His eyes became watery, but he took a deep breath, closing his lids in the process. "You were right though...I have been hiding, and I am going to start fixing that."

Sam stared at him for a moment, then looked down at his coffee. "You were right too, you know?"

Dean opened his eyes to look at his younger brother, who smiled into him cup.

"This coffee is crap."

He laughed softly. "Do I get any points for the apology?"

"Maybe a few, but it isn't me that really needs to see you 'grovel'..." Sam hinted, looking over Dean's shoulder. When he turned, Dean saw Castiel closing the motel door. He was wearing an identical pair of clothing, minus the trench coat. Seems Dean would have to introduce him to something known as variety. He let a small smile play across his lips but then it fell shortly after.

"What should i say to him...?" He asked, pain clear in his voice. He wanted so bad to make things right, but everything he thought to say sounded cheap or not enough. Sam didn't have time to answer before Cas was beside them.

"You ready?" Dean asked, fake smile in place; he'd always been good at hiding his emotions.

"Ready for what?" Sam asked.

"Dean is going to take us out for food, I really like food." Castiel said, which made both the Winchesters smile.

"Yeah, we've noticed." Sam remembered his face the first time he tried human food. "Just remember you're human now, and you can't eat 500 hamburgers."

"You're not coming?" Dean questioned his brother, anxiety in his tone. He hadn't been alone with Cas since all this started.

"I need a hot shower, and a few hours a sleep in a real bed..." He was not as young as he used to be, and way to tall to be sleeping in the back of cars. Besides, Cas and Dean needed to talk.

To each other; he was tired of being the mediator between them. If this was going to be fixed, Dean had to be the one to do it.

"There is some medication for pain in one of the duffle bags..." Cas offered, not too sure how he felt about being left alone with Dean.

"Great...Well, see you guys later." He patted Dean's arm, getting the man's attention. "Just relax, okay?" He said, answering Dean's earlier question, Castiel just tilted his head but didn't question as Dean nodded and watched his brother walk back into the motel.

Dean turned towrd his car "I guess we should go?" He glanced at Cas for permission, everything he did from this point on would be asked; if it involved Castiel.

"Yes..." Cas said, turning to walk around the car to the passenger side when Dean's laugh stopped him.

"Cas, your shirt is everywhere..." Dean smiled, noticing that Castiel's new shirt was buttoned wrong. "What did you do?" He laughed out the last part, the buttons were really off.

"It seems I am not quite used to this..." Cas frowned down at himself, trying to correct his mistake.

"I can see that, you dork" Dean smiled wider, holding his hands up toward the once angel. "Do you mind if I help...?" Castiel looked at him for a moment, then nodded slightly. "You have to line them up, see?" Dean carefully undid a few buttons, where the mistake started, and buttoned them back. Castiel swallowed when Dean's knuckles brushed against his chest, for some reason his tongue felt big and his heart beat sped up. His hands were warm.

Memories of warm hands pressing roughly against every part of his bare body pushed it's way into his thoughts; it was followed by grunts and whines. He shut his eyes tightly, his body felt odd. Hot? He wasn't sure why, and it frightened him. Which made him angry? Why?

By the time Dean finished another button, he reached up to push his hands away.

"I-I can do the rest I believe...thank you." He said curtly, refusing to look up at his 'best-friend'.

"...Yeah, okay...?" Dean could feel the change in moods, but didn't question Cas. The two would be talking soon enough anyway, and standing around in a parking lot wasn't quite the place he had in mind. "Let's get going then." He said, as Cas finished the last button, opening the driver door and waiting for the blue eyed man to get in. Sam had left the keys in the middle, smart kid. Dean smiled, starting the engine. He gave Cas a quick glance, but the man was currently looking out the window, before driving off.

* * *

"I think I've found a way to forgive you." Castiel said so unexpectedly that Dean nearly spit his coke out.

"Really?" He wasn't going to deny that those words excited him, but confused him too..._Found a way?_ Castiel only nodded, obviously proud of his idea.

"Well, spill." Dean grinned, just happy that the two were chatting. They were sitting at the Diner, almost finished with their meals, and neither had really spoken. Dean was scared he'd say something wrong, so he just stuffed his face to stall for time.

"I can get my Grace back." Castiel said, as if it solved every problem. "If I am myself again, my true self, I will undoubtedly forgive you." As a human all these extra emotions were too much, too hard to sort, and too damn overwhelming. Castiel could say he had a new respect for humans, but was finding it harder to see why God saw them so perfectly.

"...So, you're saying the only way you could forgive me...Is if you weren't human?" Dean clarified. When Castiel nodded enthusiastically, Dean felt his heart drop. "Great...that's just great."

"...You sound upset?" Cas tilted his head, he was sure Dean would find this as good news. Maybe he wasn't clear enough. "We can go back to what we used to be, back to before..."

"I get it Cas, I do, but..." He sighed, leaning back in his seat. He felt like crying, but he'd be damned to do that sober. "That just...it feels like cheating."

"Cheating?" Cas tilted his head once more, eyes squinting.

"I want to know you forgive me as a human...I want to know you'd forgive me in every form." Dean couldn't live with himself if there was even one version of the blue eyed man that hated him.

It was Castiel's turn to lean back in his seat and look away. He focused on the waitresses busy behind the counter. The two remained that way for a solid ten minutes, soaking in a hectic silence.

"Humans are...disatrously flawed." Cas finally said softly, his eyes and chest full of anxiousness and pain he couldn't identify. "I hate to admit it, but I can now understand my brothers' dislike of them a little better."

Dean looked over his best friend, seeing the emotions crossing his face. "I guess I haven't really shown you the best side of us..." Cas had watched humans for a while, but it is different to **be **one. Without giving it much thought, Dean leaned forward and held his hand out for the other. Cas looked toward him at the sudden move, weary, but then stared at the offered hand. He looked back to Dean, who didn't move when his hand wasn't accepted. Cas hesitantly placed his hand in Dean's after another long moment. The smile that came across Dean's face made his heart try to jump into his throat. That was scary, and he was pretty sure it was impossible. He hoped.

"You..." Castiel squeezed the hand he clasped, enjoying the warmth it offered. "You told me, at one point, you loved me..." He forced out.

"Yeah, what about it?" Dean let his thumb run over soft skin, testing his limits, when Castiel didn't pull away he pressed more firmly.

"What did you mean by that?" It had been bugging Cas since he said it, he needed to know.

"It means..." Dean shrugged. "I love you." He sighed, finally releasing the other's hand, he knew that Castiel need a better answer. Man, he sucked at talking about this kind of thing. "It means I think of you above anyone else...You're the first person that enters my mind when I wake up, and the last one I imagine when I fall asleep." Dean closed his eyes, trying to keep his train of thought from abandoning him now. "You fill my thoughts at every moment. I want to be by your side as much as you'll allow me. I want to know everything about you...Your favorite color, smell, food...I want to touch you all the time. I want to know every part of you, inside and out." Dean opened his eyes, but didn't look at the other, he couldn't bring himself to. "I just...I want, I need, everything that is...you"

"O-oh..." Castiel's voice sounded small with a hint of surprise maybe. "I...Then why did you..." Cas paused, his voice lowering even more. "...Attack me?"

Dean swallowed, nodding his head. "Rape. It's called rape Cas." His chin shook, the words themselves causing him pain. He took a sharp inhale and let it out, trying to calm the storm of negative emotions from rising. "I was so desperate for comfort, for closeness. I was going to go drown in a random person for a night. Then you were there...and I...I just..." He rubbed his eyes, trying to keep the tears from falling. "In one stupid, drunken act...I forced my emotional state on you and ruined everything." Dean straightened, his eyes becoming serious after a moment as if he'd made up his mind on something. "We will look for your grace, I promise, but while we are...let me try to earn the forgiveness of a human Castiel?"

Cas couldn't speak, he truly had no idea what to say...These feelings were very troubling, but had hints of warmth mixed in. To feel so much at once, it was just too much. One thing he felt for sure though was a rising hope. He hoped Dean was right. Hoped he'd be able to look at this man as he once did.


	6. Chapter 6

**Six Months Later.**

"Dean, what the hell?" Sam whined, moving closer to his brother as a group of clowns giggled by the three. God, he hated them. There had been a call about a haunted house at an amusement park, that was actually haunted. People had went in, but came out in a zombie like state. "We could've came when the place was closed, why drag me here during the evening?"

"For that face." Dean laughed openly, loving torturing his little brother a bit. "Come on Sammy! It is supposed to be fun." He joked and Sam rolled his eyes.

"You know I hate these places..."

"That is what I told Dean, but he insisted you join us. " Castiel jumped in, picking at the treat in his hand. It was called a 'Funnel Cake', and Cas would never go without one again.

Food was amazing.

"Slow down there Cas, that is your second one...You don't want to get sick again..." Dean warned, trying not to smile in amused disgust. Castiel had decided to down a turkey leg before getting on a spinning ride known as 'Spider'. Cas grimaced, handing the sweet to Sam.

Correction, food was amazing but did not taste good when it came back up.

"The ride we need to see isn't even opened anymore, we have to wait for this place to start shutting down anyway." Sam said, taking the plate and dropping it in the closest garbage can.

"I know that, I just figured we could use a little fun." Dean's eyes lit up like a child when he saw the ferris wheel. "Aren't you the one always griping me to get out more?"

"I'm not going on that..." Sam frowned, following his brother's gaze.

"You're such a bitch, you know that?" Dean gave a harmless glare at his brother. "Fine. Me and Cassie will enjoy ourselves, right?" He turned and smiled at the former angel, who was examining a stuffed giraffe hanging off of the ring toss prize wall with such intensity that both the Winchesters chuckled. Castiel looked at the two with confusion, obviously not paying attention to their bickering. In the months that passed Cas had found life of a human to be easier than he thought. It was still complicating emotional-wise, but the rest was quite simple. Change clothes regularly, sleep every night(if possible with their line of work), eat(his favorite part), and keep good hygene. He had to admit, he was having a lot of fun.

"Do you want to go on the Ferris Wheel with me?" Dean asked, pointing to the very large wheel a few feet away. Castiel's eyes widened.

"People get on that?" He thought it was just a impressive decoration.

"Sure do, I bet you can see the whole place too." Dean added, trying to win him over.

"That sounds...dangerous." Cas frowned, looking between the two. "What if we fall off? Humans don't have the wings to fly, or the ability to relocate before hitting the ground."

"Exactly." Sam smiled smugly at Dean while pointing at Cas.

"You guys are a bunch of pansies, I swear." Huffed the older Winchester. "Well, I'm doing it." He then turned and walked off toward the line.

Dean bounced on his heels, excitement clear. He was feeling good, real good. The last six months had really turned him around. Sure, they still had monsters to fight and life was as gloomy as ever, but he decided to not let that get to him. Mostly because his relationship with Castiel was slowly healing. The two would actually talk now. It was hard in the beginning, and he's sure they gave Sam more than a few headaches with their arguing or tantrums, but they were definitely doing better. Cas had started to come around him again after a few months. They would have conversations about more than work, and he helped the recently made human understand his surroundings better. Castiel still had his moments of mistrust in Dean, and he wasn't sure he could ever make that fully go away, but he would take what he could get.

"Are you really going to get on this?" Castiel's worried voice surprised him, but he quickly smiled at him.

"You bet your ass I am." Dean let a cocky grin spread on his face. "You decide to join me?"

Castiel glanced up at the ride then back to Dean. "There isn't even proper straps to hold you in." He pointed out, clearly unsure of anyone getting in such a device. Even the ride he chose was secured properly.

"That's because it doesn't spin or flip you around. You just go up..." Dean pointed upward, then circled back around to the ground "Then down."

"I...I am not an angel anymore Dean, if you fall off of this 'ride', I won't be able to save you." Cas admitted after a moment, worry clear on his face.

"Wait, you're worried about me...?" He asked with surprise.

"...Don't get on this ridiculous thing." Thoughts of Dean falling from unimaginable heights and lying on the ground with a busted head and motionless sent a sharp pain through his chest. Dean couldn't help but feel a wave of happiness at the silent admission. That means he had to mean something to Cas, right?

"Come on..." He grabbed Cas' wrist, pulling him forward as the line moved. "Let me show you there is nothing to be afraid of." Cas still looked hesitant, but allowed the other to pull him up on the platform.

"You guys together?" The ride operator asked and Dean looked at Cas, waiting for him to answer.

"It will be fine, trust me?" Dean chose the word 'trust' on purpose, waiting for the other to respond with suspense. A small nod was all he got, but it might as well have been a shout. Dean felt another smile creep on his face. It wasn't a huge deal to most, but this was a big step for the two. Castiel was putting trust in him again. The two were herded over to and put in the odd bowl. Cas stared out nervously when the man shut them in and walked to the control panel. Dean's hand on his caused him to jump, but he calmed down slightly when he saw the reassuring smile on the other's face.

"It's fine Cas." He nearly relaxed completely at those words, but tensed back up when the ride lurch forward.

"It's moving? You said it didn't move?" He nearly stuttered out, the bowl swinging slightly. "Why is it moving?" Castiel felt fear of dying, and it was so odd. As an angel he worried little about something as trivial as dying. It was hard for him to remember why though, especially when the ground was moving away from him at an alarming rate.

"It's just a little rocking, it's supposed to do that." Dean laughed out, moving closer to the frantic man. He'd never seen him like this, scared, well not since...Dean shook his head, trying to keep the images of a scared Cas staring at him, because of him. He hated those looks. "Hey neat, you can see the sun setting." Dean smiled, trying to distract him while the ride continued to move them away from the ground. "This is one of the best ways to see a sunset."

Castiel stared out, forgetting his worries for a moment at the breath-taking view when the wheel brought them to the top. "...It is...amazing." He spoke in quiet awe. Suddenly he felt a pull of homesickness. A view like this was Heaven worthy and for just a moment, Castiel felt like himself again. He hadn't even realised a tear falling from his face until Dean's hand cupped his face, wiping it away.

"I'm sorry Cas. All of this has to be so hard on you." Castiel gave him his full attention when the ride lowered back down. "We'll make you whole again, I swear it."

"It has been no harder on me than it has you and Sam..." Castiel was born into the unreal, the hard to believe, but Sam and Dean were thrust into this life by fate. They were robbed of the chance to be like the people around them; those who ran around so freely, their biggest fear couldn't even compare to the Winchesters' everyday life.

"Yeah, well, that doesn't give me the right to make it worse on you baby." The word slipped out before he could stop it, and he rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. It remained quiet for the next few spins around, Castiel watching the sun disappear and stars appear.

"You've called me that before." Cas spoke softly. "...That night, I remember." He looked around cautiously when the ride halted, the two of them at the top.

"Ah...yeah...heat of the moment." Dean admitted, not really liking talking about it but knowing he couldn't avoid it.

"Why?" He wasn't a baby by any means, and the way Dean said it was with affection. "You said it like I am your car."

Dean laughed at that. "Hey, best compliment ever if you think about it." THe joke only got him a confused head tilt from the other and he sighed. "Because...ah hell Cas, making me admit embarrassing things all the time." He huffed again, his ears reddening, but he continued. "Sometimes you are just so cute, the way you act and the things you do...and I care about you."

"You love me." Castiel said clearly. "Still?" Dean had to work to keep the blush off his face when he nodded.

"Always. It's not going away. Love...it doesn't go away."

"...So it is similar to an angel's understanding of love." Castiel smiled then let it fall. "At least that is the way it used to be."

"Yeah, I'd _love_ to do something to your brothers alright..." Dean joined him in a frown.

"Is that why you att-...raped me?" Dean hadn't been ready for that and clenched his jaw, looking at the ground.

"No...that...that wasn't love I showed you." His voice was just above a whisper. "That was...anything but love." Dean let the memories of that night play in his head. Castiel drunkenly smiling at him, trust clear in his eyes when he saw Dean's face. Castiel inexperienced kisses, between moments of unconsciousness; him taking advantage of every ounce of trust given to him. God, he hated himself on a new level.

That was something right there.

"Over the years, I have also found myself having unexpected feelings toward you." Castiel could see Dean's inner battle on his face. A few months ago, it would have made him disturbingly happy but now...He found himself frustratingly confused. Sure, he still felt anger rise inside when he caught himself dwelling on that night; and some days he couldn't even handle hearing Dean speak without wanting to snap at the man, but this was Dean afterall...Out of all the bad he'd done, there was a mile of good following too. He couldn't put that aside over one very large mistake. Could he? This was so much easier as an angel.

"Oh?" Dean actually sounded surprised, then scoffed. "Bet I blew that the shreds huh? It's what I am good at, you know? Destroying the things I cherish most."

It was Castiel's turn to look at his feet, thinking about his next words. The ride was slowly lowering, people exiting the ride cart by cart. Just before it was there turn Cas took a breath. "Didn't you just say that love doesn't go away..." Dean's head shot up to look at him, hope floating through his eyes. He didn't have time to speak because it was their turn to exit. When they reached the ground safely Cas turned to look at the green eyed man. He was smiling with such sincerity that Cas found it contagious. He had just given Dean a true second chance, and all the hope he was capable of.

"We should head over to the haunted house now, right?" Cas asked, pointing in the direction the map earlier had indicated.

"Huh, oh...Yeah!" Dean was still smiling like a five year old, a good mood put in him for the rest of the night. "Hey...where's Sammy?" He asked, realizing his giant of a brother was not where he left him. Castiel looked around as well.

"Maybe he is already at the house?"

"He knows I hate when he disappears like that..." Dean's sounded worried.

"Well then don't drag me to places I hate for your own twisted amusement." Sam's voice immediately relaxed the older brother and Castiel smiled. Dean's feelings for Sam could never be hidden. He was pretty sure he loved his brother more than anything in this universe. When they turned to see the tall brunette, he had his arms filled with toys.

"Oh yeah, you really look like you're having a horrible time." Dean chuckled reaching up to pull at the moose hat sitting on his head. "What is all this?"

"I'm surprisingly good at ring toss." Sam shrugged, a smile growing on his face. "And there were no clowns there...Here." He handed the stuffed giraffe to Castiel, who quickly snatched it with a smile. He had no idea why he liked this animal so much, but they were just so...interesting. Next to bees that is. Sam just chuckled too before handing Dean a stuffed squirrel. He got a punch in the shoulder for that, but it was light.

"Come on guys, play time's over, let's go check out this house." Dean said, tucking the small stuffed animal into his leather jacket. He smiled to Cas as three walked off. Castiel tilted his head, but smiled too.

His grace was still lost, the road ahead was as unclear as his relationship with Dean. Castiel looked to the sky and sent out a prayer for protection as he stumbled through this temporary life of a human.

* * *

That's right I ended it with a possible sequel...What of it?

Don't kill me please...

I just couldn't think of a better way for it to end right now. I tried, I did. So, expect a sequel at some point. Castiel trying to get his grace back, and the rebuilding of a broken relationship. It will probably take place a while in the future. I probably won't post that until it is complete though.

If I have learned anything from my random jump into writing, it is that "Writing is Haaaard" and better when you have at least a few chapters done before posting.


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